So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
