Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
whose parrot is this?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
