Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
did i just pee glitter
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
