He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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