Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize