Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
