I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's blow job season.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
