I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
