Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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