i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
