ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
