um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
