Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
