I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize