Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
