You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sober January is a disaster.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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