if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
