coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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