I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
