Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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