We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
