You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize