I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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