I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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