Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
