what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
