just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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