I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
