something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Every concussion has its silver lining
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
