honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
