god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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