Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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