The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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