I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
