I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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