I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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