you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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