Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How does one acquire holy water?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
