**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
