I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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