No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
