Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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