don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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