I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
