I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
