youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
