You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
