captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
