I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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