i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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