I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
