i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just high enough for therapy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize