Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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