You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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