Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
