Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
