never play flip cup with pint glasses
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
