A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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