I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
