I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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