How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
