Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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