I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
