Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
