I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
