Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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