We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
